i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
