you would pick up someone in the library
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
