I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
