tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
