the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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