he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
