i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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