I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
