I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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