I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
