Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
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And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize