I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
