he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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