Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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