Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
