I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
