So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
