What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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