I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
