i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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