You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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