Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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