I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
