About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
