Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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