I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor