put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.