I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
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I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit