Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍