Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize