I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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