at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Houston, we have a blender
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
