remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
