Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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