And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
