I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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