I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
