her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
