Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
