I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
