I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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