If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize