ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
