well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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