Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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