I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
