The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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