just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
A bitchslap is in order.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
