The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
