just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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