He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
