i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
