so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
