I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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