She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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