im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
