The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
