those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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