Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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