The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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